Marriage Advice Part 1- For the Unmarrieds

Lately it seems like marriages all around me are falling apart. I found out from Facebook that a couple in my church have divorced. (I knew I had not seen him lately, but he has a job that takes him out of town some) Mark and I both have people who ask our advice on things. Please understand, I am not saying that we are perfect. Sometimes he makes me so mad I could spit in his eye! (The same could be said the other way) Yet, in spite of being married to someone who is less than perfect, we do have a strong marriage. It is built on more than faith, trust, and a little pixie dust. It is heavily grounded in God's word and what HE says about how we are to treat each other.

**Disclaimer**
The few people that read this blog are all married. Hopefully their marriages are not in trouble. But alas, if I am going to give this advice that I am commonly asked, I need to start at the beginning. And that would be the time BEFORE the "I dos" are said.

I am a lady, so obviously I am giving this advice to the girls, not the guys. So, here we go: The number one thing you need to ask yourself about a potential mate is this- "Is he a man?" Yes, I can hear your eyes rolling. Not is he male-is he a MAN?

Genesis 2:24-Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Is he responsible enough to take on a marriage? When you meet a fellow that catches your eye, observe a few things about him. Does he have a job? Is it a job that can support a family? If not is he working on getting that good job? Let me clarify: Say the object of your affection works at a grocery store as a stock boy. Say he still lives with his parents. This could potentially go either way. Is he the stock boy because it does not cut too much into his video game time? Or is he working as a stock boy to make some extra money while he is still in school learning to be a ______? When Mark and I first started dating, he was a 16 year old Ace Hardware salesman. Not a glamorous or high paying job. But, when you consider the fact that he had been working at that job since he was 14 it casts a different light on the subject. Ace Hardware was not his life's ambition. It was a way for him not to sponge off his parents. We have a friend that is my age (let's just say old enough to be giving out advice and leave it at that). This guy, at last count a few years ago has had 45 jobs. 45!!! When he first told Mark that, Mark did not believe him. So he actually emailed Mark a list of all the jobs he had quit and or been fired from. BIG red flag there girls!!!! If your Mr. Cutie Pie jumps ship every time something happens at his job, he is probably not going to be dependable husband material.

So, say he has a job. His job is great, or at least he has the potential of greatness. Is he a Christian?

2 Corinthians 6:14-Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

If you are a Christian, you should not consider a non-Christian as a marriage partner. It will open up sooooo many cans of worms. I do not have a complete listing of what would happen. To be honest, that list would be infinite. But here goes a few things I could see happening. Easter morning-you want to go to a Sonrise service, he wants to sleep in. Well, that brings up another good point-Sunday mornings in general, you want to go to church, he wants to sleep in.

Ephesians 5:23-A husband is the head of his wife, as Christ is the head and the Savior of the church, which is his own body.

So, your head, your spiritual leader, is not doing a good job of leading you. You have the choice of going alone, or staying home with your husband. What if he does not want to sleep in; what if he wants to go to the lake, or the flea market, or where ever he thinks is best. Do you go with him or go to church. This is just a small part. We could go into details about ethics (such as would you go along with him if he cheated on his taxes), morals (could you marry someone who supported something you were against such as abortion, or Democrats? {just kidding about the democrats, who would marry one of them??!?!?} kidding, again)If you are a Christian, why would you marry someone who was not like you? If someone does not share the same core values that you do, it makes for one tough journey. If he is a non Christian, do not get involved. Do not give your heart to someone who does not share your values.

This next part is a little tricky to say without sound Pharisaical. If he claims to BE a Christian, does he LIVE like a Christian? Does he seem bored if you bring up spiritual things in conversation? Red flag! Does he seem to zone out during church? Red flag! This is especially important if he suddenly becomes a Christian when he finds out you are only interested in Christians. On the flip side, if he is a fairly new convert and you have been a Christian for a while, do not expect him to be at the same place in his spiritual walk as yourself. If you can observe a gradual change happening in him that is a good sign. If he seems to not have improved or even seems worse than before, you would be wise to to pursue other interests.

Galations 519-23-Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

What fruit seems to be in his life?

Matthew 7:16-You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?

This goes along with what we just looked at above, but what kind of stuff does he try to get you to participate in? I saw a movie once (sorry, can't remember the name) where a woman started dating this guy who seemed perfect. He was charming, romantic, just an all around dreamy guy. One he says he wants to do something "fun". So the woman is all for fun. He takes her to a convenience store....TO STEAL BEER!!! The woman does not want to steal beer. They man shoves some in her coat. On the way out of the store, a can falls out. The store owner jumps the counter, and chases her with a bat!!! She jumps into the car as her "dream guy" is already pulling away. Needless to say, that was not her idea of FUN. So, is this wonderful guy you have met asking (or succeeding) in getting you to participate in things that are ungodly?

1 Corintians 13:5-7Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Notice the part I emphasized-it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
A Godly man will not expect you to do things that in violation to God.

So, now that you have seen a rough outline of what a man is supposed to look like you can look forward to what is expected of you. (Don't be scared-I promise not to be excessively mean)

All in All, I Can Handle His Sauce

Marriage. It is something that should be wonderful. It should be a picture of how Christ loves the church. But, alas, it involves real people. You know, those flawed things that happen to think only of themselves instead of other people or God. If every married person would think of their spouse instead of themselves, things might go a little more smoothly.

Let me be clear, this is not a rant against my husband. As a matter of fact, this is more the result of multiple instances of people either blasting their husbands in person, over the phone or on the internet for all the world to see. It so irks me to see how many women dog their husbands like they are the scum of the earth, then expect the husband to treat her like a princess in return. I am actually a bit glad that being in Children's Church I was not present during the sermon on Mother's Day. Most churches really play up the wonderful mother scenario on Mother's Day. Which would be fine if we were surrounded by good mothers. However, that is sadly not the case.

I blame feminism. Feminism tells women that there is more to life than staying home and raising children. Feminism tells women that they are not servants to their husbands so the husband should do equal housework and childrearing. Feminism tells women that there is no difference in men and women, so it is okay to give little boys dolls and tell girls they can do anything boys can do.

Don't misunderstand me. I do not want to sound like I am off my rocker and all women should be barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen jumping at the husband's every beck and call. All I am saying is that we are different. Rather than trying to change those differences and raising effeminate boys and masculine girls we should embrace those differences. I want my boys to grow up to be strong, masculine, and confident. Not He-Man Woman Haters, just manly men.

So this brings me back to my original point. So many women are believing this lie that they are supposed to wear the pants in the family. Which leaves a bunch of broken spirited, brow beaten men. Some men really do take it for a long time. Others rebel against it from the get-go. But regardless, it is not the way families are supposed to operate. Eventually things come to a head. Fighting, yelling, the silent treatment, all these things that couples use against each other come into play. If left on its own, that is the path leading to divorce.

But what can we do? I can give advice to someone. I can tell them right from wrong. I cannot, however, make them put that advice into practice. What I can do is raise my kids to know what type of Godly principals to look for in a woman to marry. I can raise them to realize what marriage is supposed to be. The only way to this is model a healthy marriage. Sure, we have our disagreements. I mean, we have never agreed on what is the best barbecue sauce. But if that is our only issue, I think we are doing something right.

A Perfect Day For a Wedding

The wedding Mark officiated was so beautiful. The couple had a very small gathering at a friend's lake house. The weather could not have been any more perfect. Not too hot, some cloud coverage, yet no rain. (thank you to God for that one)
Mark and the men of the wedding party arrived by boat.


The guys


The beautiful flower girl


During the ceremony


The happy couple sharing a hug


The vows they picked out were very sweet and touching. During the ceremony a poem was read. When Mark was going over the ceremony at home, he read this to me. Lets just say that it melted my icy heart. We'd like to renew our vows one day. I want this at our "next wedding".
Hands by Patricia A. Walton
A good marriage is a lifetime of hands.
It's a shaking hand sliding a shiny gold band onto the finger of another shaking hand.....
It's hands touching in sudden tenderness, or swinging together down a crowded street, or fingers interlocking in the darkness of a theater.
It's expressive hands: the playful pat... the beckoning waves... the "Help me please" gesture...
It's two ecstatic hands being grasped by tiny brand new hands...
It's a proud hand introducing an embarrassed hand...
It's healthy hands holding sick hands.
It's hands joining in prayer.
And finally, it's a shaking hand sliding a dull gold band off the finger of a very hand.

Wow. I think that poem very much expresses what marriage is. (or at least should be)